Dear Maria: Is My Barber BAE?

QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

The barber culture has always intrigued me. You catch a busy day at the shop and you're surrounded by every flavor and color of dude. Dudes from all walks of life – Black, White, Dominican, Puerto Rican..all flavors; all waiting for another dude to make them more attractive and groom them.

Some may find this intimidating or stressful to have to be surrounded by “butchy men.” To me, however, I like to indulge. From the motion of the grey sweaters to the testosterone driven conversation, I sit and observe and my mind begins to wonder. Sure, we covered the whole “brush your bulge up against my hand,” but I'm talking full blown signs. My barber and I have a connection. He’ll jump me ahead of other heads and stays open late for me whenever I'm in need of a quick shape up. There’s days he won’t charge me. We have grown to speak like friends and he did mention he has a girlfriend that has been driving him crazy.

We have been in communication and he has scheduled to cut my hair at my place on Sunday night. He told me to grab a bottle in exchange for the cut. Something is telling me that this may not just be a haircut. What do I do Maria, if things get snippy?

-Killah CC

ANSWER:

Lordt!!!!

This is going to drive my crazy! All queer men have experienced this feeling at least with one barber if you go to the shops. If you haven’t, get a new barber!!! This is lowkey a lot of the GWARLS’ fantasy!! Just keeping it real. 

However, kiiii kiiii aside, this is a discussion around friendships/relationships between gay men and hetero men. I think it is shocking and confusing, sadly, when straight men are kind to the gays because for Black and Brown queer men that is an uncommon tale. It’s a lot more common to associate straight men and the barbershop with homophobia/transphobia. 

To dive deeper, your description of being around “butchy men” and your pronouns lead me to believe you are someone who would describe themself as feminine. I, from that same experience, know what it feels like to not be able to CODE SWITCH and hide my mannerisms and tone. I actually would consider myself flamboyant. With all that said, I have had quite a few traumatic experiences at the barbershop where people are being blatantly homophobic, knowing I’m there in the chair. With many of us knowing how horrible this experience can be, I am actually begging that we praise and respect the barbers and shops who do the opposite by making us feel welcome and safe. 

With that being said, I feel it is unfair to assume that because this barber is kind and respectful to you that he may be interested in anything other than just being your barber with great customer service skills and conversation. A lot of barbers are doing house calls due to COVID-19 so I would be careful to not set the vibe as a date! Imagine his surprise walking in with clippers and the candles are lit with Jhené  playing in the background. GAG! 

Finally, because I’m not gonna’ pretend that this never happens – if you feel confident you are picking up a vibe and signals, then just be receptive to the reality that he may be a DL guy looking for a moment. I’m not even going to go down the wormhole of the drama surrounding DL men. However, if you are interested in that then just be safe, smart, and let him lead any discussion or physicality behind it. Never be the aggressor. That is very unsafe. 

Lastly, remember he has openly expressed he has a girl already. So if it goes there be prepared to be the side piece/other woman. Since you like to be called SHE on the weekends then I guess Sunday is the perfect day to be THAT GIRL! Use protection! 

I gotta’ admit, I kinda’ hope something happens so that you can write back in and tell me all about it. But the dating expert in me has to tell you that you deserve more baby and I hope you know that.  

Have fun! Be Smart. Stay Safe. 

Happy Pride! 

-Maria

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