Dear Maria: He's Addicted to Sex, But I'm Addicted to Love
QUESTION:
Dear Maria,
I hope all is well and that you're safe and blessed. I enjoy all of your weekly stories – keep up the good work! Meanwhile, I need your help, sis...
Ok, so, I recently called it quits with my boyfriend last month. We were together for 1 year and during that time we learned a lot about each other, spent countless nights together (at his place and at my place), and we took trips together to special events, had mutual friends, spent holidays together – all that. But during the course of our relationship there were red flags that would pop up here and there (on his end): texting/dm'ing other guys, being in communication with his ex-fuck buddies, him keeping secrets from me, etc.
We became exclusive after 3/4 months of dating, and even still, he would slip back into his old habits here and there. It wasn't until December/January that he finally decided to block and delete all of his old ex-communications and attempt to fully commit to me. Yet, one night when we were in bed, I noticed that he had a few scratches on his back and when I questioned him, he said he scratched himself while he was asleep. To me, it looked like someone else did that to him because they were deep scratches. He told me to believe him and drop the situation.
I committed myself to this man during our entire relationship and I didn't entertain any other guys at all. I supported his dreams and goals and helped him to get over being hurt by his old fuck buddy situationships; and I still love him. But I realized halfway through that maybe he's not ready to settle down (or maybe I'm just not the one for him) even though he always tells me that I'm the one for him and that he's ready to commit. I know that actions speak louder than words, but his actions haven't always added up.
He even purchased an island getaway trip for both of us to get out of town and focus on fixing our relationship, but I simultaneously caught him dm'ing someone else (after we already had the discussion of him stopping that), and he also began watching porn/masturbating behind my back when I was asleep.
When I finally decided to breakup with him I asked why he did all those things and why he couldn't just focus on me and our relationship. He admitted that he gambled our relationship and gave a half-ass apology saying it's because we're still young and that at 28 years old we're still figuring things out?! But my thing is, both of our parents got married when they were in their 20's (at 25), so if our parents knew what they wanted, why is it at 28 he can't figure it out?! And he confused me when he stated that most times people don't offer closure to ending a relationship because it's not owed, but he wanted me to have closure to walk away.
I must include the backstory that he's also not out to his parents. I am fully out to my family and friends, but he's not and he keeps saying one day he will tell them. The reason why I even decided to be in a relationship with him to begin with is because he initiated and said that he was ready to settle down, and admittedly so was I. We were both single and available when we first started dating, but now that we're separated he's telling me that he will always love me and that he still cares about me. Btw – I'm the top and he's the bottom.
I haven't seen him in over 30 days now, and we text here and there, but I'm missing him and feel like I still love him. But part of me is feeling like if he was doing dumb shit while we were together, he's probably doing that same stuff now that we're apart; despite corona being out there in those streets?! Ugghh...
Should I reconsider getting back together with him, and maybe forgiving him? I want to be in love, but I also know my worth. Please help... :-(
ANSWER:
Hi baby!!!
Thank you for the support! It is much appreciated and I too hope you are safe and blessed. I really wish that I could hug you super tight because that’s all I feel when reading your submission. The tone just really proves how invested you were in that relationship and I commend you for being open and raw with your heart.
Sadly, in our community some of us get so used to being single and hookup culture that it becomes a challenge to sever ties with that lifestyle. It’s clear that this is what your ex was struggling with. If you yourself never indulged in hookup culture, it can become addictive as there is a thrill/rush/high that is associated with these impassioned sexual encounters. Just like with any other addiction, an addict will try to hide it, and most times are very successful. You being so close to him exposed that addiction. I don’t want to label him a sex addict, as much as I think in our generation we have people who suffer from what I deem “attention addiction,” which is this inconsolable need for validation through being wanted and desired sexually.
When deciding whether or not he is the kind of guy for you, I think you may need to make a list of each person’s values – more specifically moral values. For example, it sounds to me like you value family a lot. You reference that you are OUT to your family and that you even use your parents as an example for relationship goals. It’s evident that he doesn’t share that same level of closeness with his family due to him still not being OUT. He told you that at 28 he still feels young and is figuring things out and I say you need to believe him. He hasn’t even come to terms with who he is enough to address his family about his sexuality. How can you expect him to devote himself to a life of happiness for you both when he hasn’t even made that choice for himself yet?
It sounds like you went into this with your heart wide open and I want you to know how brave and beautiful that is! He unfortunately was not in the same space to reciprocate. I am not new to this so I want to clarify that I will not villainize him for attempting to love someone with whatever his capabilities were. It sounds like he had enough other suitors that if he didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t! So, there was something there. Also, relationships are always two sided. I’m sure there were things that maybe he needed from you, but nothing excuses infidelity in my opinion; especially when you have expressed your discomfort with him remaining in communication with past lovers.
I will always bet on love! I believe that everyone deserves love and a chance to make it right. However, YOU have to decide if he’s the type of guy you would want forever because you can’t even trust him. This isn’t a question of him not washing the dishes. This is him not being able to control his addiction. If you are going to welcome him back you have to accept him fully and acknowledge that he is addicted to entertaining sexual desire. Like any other addict, he can heal and overcome, but are you strong enough to hold his hand through the process?
My advice to you is that in a sense he was right in telling you that you are both still young enough to fuck up and figure shit out! You now know what you are willing to tolerate and accept in a relationship. This is a huge reward because you will hold onto that standard going forward in your dating experiences. I’m sure he’s a great guy and I can tell you love him, but it sounds like he doesn’t deserve you. You know what kind of love you want and I guarantee you can find that kind of love somewhere else. However, whatever you choose to do, darling, don’t compromise your values.
Stay true, baby. Wishing you much happiness! Stay in touch!
-Maria
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