Dear Maria: Life Without Labels
QUESTION:
Dear Maria,
In a world that’s so open to queerness as of now, how do you deal with people both out and in the community still being labeled as one thing or the other? Is it a defense mechanism or survival people have been accustomed to? Is it okay to be multidimensional? How do you express this to your peers and colleagues? Is there ever a moment you truly feel you can be you without having to prove yourself?
I find myself multilayered and complex. I’m happy with all we have grasped as a people. Another part of me feels there’s a lot we have to learn about ourselves and the world before we can truly accept ourselves and be seen authentically by the rest of the outside world.
- Mr. Lopez
ANSWER:
Hello, Mr.Lopez!
I ain’t even gonna front, I had to read this one about 10 times to really grasp what I could answer and how. Honestly, this is a great thing. In my opinion this is something that the Queer community isn’t discussing enough! Thank you so much for writing in as it is very important.
Not that I need to remind all readers, but I want to just state that I am responding in my experience which can be extremely different from the rest of my Queer sibs/fam.
Personally, I feel that the Queer community having its own label apart from heterosexual beings is important. I genuinely feel we have an experience of life that is unique to us in the same way that Gender, Race and even Geographical Background can alter one’s experience. The label is necessary to me from a place of safety. So yes, in my experience, it is a defense mechanism that I am accustomed to, but it works and I am thankful to have it.
It is extremely unsafe for me to present myself fully sometimes as a person who is GNC. Even living in New York City I have felt an overwhelming sense of panic and distress when going to events, jobs, etc. that require me to dress up in my full female illusion that I am so proud of. I can’t help that my heart races at the thought of having to get on the train while dressed up; or that specific neighborhoods feel like restricted territories; and I can’t visit certain friends because the area they live in would be unsafe for me. Aside from safety, there is also just a sense of community and understanding that is much more easily embraced amongst Queer people.
When you say, “multidimensional,” in this specific subject matter, I’m just going to assume that you are saying you are of both heterosexual and homosexual experience. I hope I am correct in saying that because I myself am familiar with many people who can say that same. Some individuals don’t experience or aren’t able to identify their Queerness until much later on in life. Again, everyone’s journey is different, so to answer that question: yes, it is “ok” and I do believe in multidimensionality.
I myself believe I understood my queerness as a child, therefore, I can’t speak from the same experience, but I would assume that expressing this to colleagues and peers must be challenging. For so long there has been a fight to create the boxes that we want those of the heterosexual and homosexual experiences to stay in. You would be considered an outlier and the sad part is that multidimensional people have always existed and should have been included in the discussion. People with a similar experience, I would presume, are people who identify as bisexual. There is a horrible misjudgment that bisexual people are confused on where they belong in the spectrum, as opposed to just accepting that it is indeed its own part of the spectrum, while simultaneously acknowledging that you can experience different places on said spectrum.
Lastly, I personally don’t have shit to prove to anyone and I hope you can feel the same. I fortunately don’t have to convince people that I am Queer, they just know! I also don’t have to convince heterosexual people that I am in their tribe because again...cmon, bro! But, I can understand your dilemma when having a conversation with people who don’t understand the concept that ALL people are allowed to be forever changing and growing in their sexual experience. I myself can wake up tomorrow and realize that after many years of dating men that I am now attracted to cis-gender women. How I choose to express that and identify is my business and the general public only has one job when it comes to my sexual orientation/identity and that is to RESPECT it! No matter what label I put on it.
I hope this helps, baby, and if you feel you are complex, realize that it is in the best of ways, my darling, and you deserve to be celebrated for being strong enough to stand in your conviction and handle these discussions maturely.
Wheeeewwf! This was a heavy one. I really hope this helps and know that you have my full support.
Love Always,
Maria
—————
Have a question/topic you want Maria to tackle? Send away!!