Dear Maria: for a True Man Looking for Love

QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

Heyy girl, how you doin’?

As a transman OC who is extremely handsome, it’s hard to date. In public all the boys (and everyone else) think I’m a cis man...which is great, but can be complicated. And the only other apparent recourse is online via applications like Grindr, Tinder, and Scruff. However, no matter what you write about what you REALLY desire in your profile, you’re bound to just senselessly be propositioned for/with nude photographs or risk being objectified. Or worse yet, one word conversations. Mind you, I am always forthright, me being trans is one of the first things I express.

But this situation is more than frustrating. It is the ultimate hindrance because it’s always so hard to decipher one’s true intent once they’ve been made aware. And, I need to be with someone real, who knows who they want. Someone who wants to chill, cuddle, talk, laugh, f**k, then cuddle some more. F**k some more, maybe make some love. Travel, explore, shop, grow, build, you know, the good life ;)

But it seems as though on a lot of the applications that are available, the popular paradigm is NSA encounters. And while I’ve never been shy or introverted before, this subject is hard to breach because it does make me apprehensive.

The novelty of my situation has become increasingly popularized in the main stream media and pornography industry. And, in my experience, most of the people frequenting Grindr, etc., are opportunists, or try to be whether successful or not, and that’s only amplified by fetishism. Hence my predicament.

What’s a man to do? I don’t want to give up on what I really want just because people are fallible.

Sincerely,
Marvy Marv

ANSWER:

Well, hello there then, handsome!

Let me start of by saying I’m loving the confidence and you sound like a great man for me ;) so if you’re ever interested, hit Mutha Maria in the DMs. 

However, in all seriousness, I appreciate you so much for stepping forward and writing in as I feel you speak for a very underrepresented group. Dating is already hard as is, but those challenges triple when you are in so many marginalized groups. 

My advice is actually pretty simple really: First, don’t give up! Half the battle is being persistent and hopeful enough that there is a perfect partner for you out there somewhere. 

Next, would be to change your routine. We all know at this point that apps like Grindr and Scruff have a strong notion of being utilized less for dating and more for hook-ups. Switch the arena you choose to play in. Maybe something like match.com where there is precedence for long term relationship oriented people. I also know for a fact that there are trans-focused dating apps as well. Also, I’m certain that I don’t have to remind you, but for anybody reading: TRANS PEOPLE ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO TELL YOU THEY ARE TRANS! 

Lastly, I sympathize with you on the fetishism predicament. I too suffer being fetishized more often then I am not, and granted it can feel like a deterrent from dating, I try to make sure that I affirm myself in the belief that there are people out there who will respect me, my body, and my identity. It takes some deep soul searching to get that affirmation, especially when you may be the only one of your kind...trust me, I know! I can’t stress how important it is for you to big yourself up and have faith that there are good people still out there and who will appreciate you outside of sex.  

Other than that, baby you got this! Sounds like you don’t have trouble finding candidates, just change where you are finding them. 

Good Luck & Happy Dating! <3

-Maria 

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