Dear Maria: Maria, Men & Manhattan

Hello lovers!

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my love life. That’s  because I’ve been busy doing some much needed research on sex and relationships while looking for the perfect guy for me. In this giant dating pool that is New York, I’d like to save you some time and energy during your search as well. In this story, I’ll share with you my most recent dating experience and show you the signs of a cunning salesman selling bootleg love.

I’ll preface this story with the fact that I'm currently in bed with my MacBook and a glass of Chablis wine on the night of a long overdue “breakup.” Brace yourself, as I’m sure this story will make your head spin almost as much as this wine. 

This story is about a dangerous man who had the balls to gaslight me for months. In no way, shape or form is this a campaign to bash this man nor is this some form of revenge as I still believe he is a great man who just needs help. I write this because many of these men exist and have convinced themselves that they are “good guys” and will go to any extent while hurting you to save their image. Little did he know, just like the Queen in chess,I wear the crown in the game of mental warfare. I hope if any readers are dealing with a guy like this that my story can help you to identify what can be a very mentally exhausting situation and encourage you to take action.

“MR. SALES”

I met this guy who we’ll call “Mr. Sales'' back around Halloween 2020. Spooky, already. Meeting him during the COVID crisis should have been the first sign that I would be in for quite a ride. What else could 2020 throw at me? We met as many other New Yorkers do - on Tinder. After matching, we chatted for about two weeks via Instagram and text. We met for a weekday lunch date at a lowkey spot called “Santiago’s” in East Harlem. I was running a bit late per usual because I was leaving a fitting. He was on time and had gotten us a table and ordered a drink for me. 

I  spotted him as soon as I arrived. He looked handsome - just like his pictures and was dressed comfortably but hip, think Bad Bunny adjacent. Like a true Brooklyn bitch, I could tell he wasn’t from New York. He was brand new to the city, and had just relocated from Florida. He told me he’d been working in software sales for years and had just gotten a job in the Big Apple, which inspired his big move. 

The date was full of laughter and puns as he proved to have the gift of gab and knew how to work his way around a conversation. He was charming and respectful too. As a salesman, he truly had a good pitch. Although, I was weary that a guy who just moved to New York was looking for anything serious. But I was curious enough to see where it would go. 

We planned to end our lunch date by 2PM, but the date was going so well that we lost track of time and ended up taking some work calls together and walking to Central Park after shopping around the UES. We were out in the park until about 6PM. During those hours, we  talked about everything under the sun, including family, past relationships, and spiritual beliefs. 

After the first date, we were both interested in each other. We went on outdoor dates for several weeks until we both decided that it would probably be more economical to start having dates indoors at his place or mine. During one of our earlier dates, we had an honest conversation about what we were looking for. Mr. Sales expressed that he wanted to continue to get to know me, but preferred to hold off on sex as he wanted to prioritize making a true connection with me first. He also confessed that he was still healing from recently being dumped and wanted to take his time as his friends considered him a “serial dater”. I should have known at that point that something was a little off. 

After one night of too many hits of the bong at his place, I spent the night. This became a regular thing and I started spending the night with him often. This was no easy feat, as I live in BK and he stays in Harlem. Each time I stayed resulted in cuddling and kissing, but it was almost always initiated by me. I always felt a sense of unease when sleeping there. I could never get comfortable enough to successfully fall asleep through the night in his bed. The bed was stiff and cold, which should have been a sign that the bed this man was making for me was one that couldn't bring me comfort. 

I  found it interesting that anything sex related was never initiated on his end or even discussed. We wouldn’t send nudes or even sext and I started to believe that maybe he had issues with sex as he expressed that he was shy. Then one morning as I was in my Uber back to Bushwick from his place, I noticed I had a few notifications on Twitter. I realized an account that I didn't recognize was liking my tweets. I clicked on the profile and saw that the user was already following me. To my surprise, this account was a “Freak Twitter '' loaded with porn. As I scrolled further, I realized that the page belonged to Mr. Sales. I was able to identify the bedroom, bathroom and notable tattoos and clothing. I also correlated the name of the account with a story he told me about that name being a family nickname of his. I didn’t know how to digest this discovery, but of course I indulged and watched some of his videos which happily were only solo vids. I followed the account back to acknowledge that I recognized him liking my tweets from that particular page as he already had a personal twitter. He confessed that apparently it was a mistake and he thought he was still on his personal page, but that he was happy I was understanding and even more happy that I was a fan. He expressed to me that as much of a shy person as he was that this was a way for him to express himself and embrace his body. I accepted it and told him I was fine with him having the page and that if he felt uncomfortable I could unfollow and block the page. He insisted that he was fine with me seeing the content and strangely so was I. In a way, it was fulfilling to see him in that way since I didn’t have access to him sexually. To be honest, I never believed that it was a mistake. I think he wanted me to see it in hopes that I would be more interested and overall it made me question his true level of “shyness”.

The holidays came and I decided I was going to kiss the year goodbye the one way I knew how, a little shindig. Yes, I know it was COVID, but NYE is the one holiday I actually care about. By then my whole squad was dying to meet the new man I was spending so much time with over the last few months. My girls managed to convince me (against my better judgement) to invite Mr. Sales to the party. Nonetheless, I invited him and his friends. Mr. Sales was a hit! He met all my best friends/family and played his role well. My friends each interviewed him and he had an arsenal of well thought out responses, which made a great impression on everyone. There was a huge shift this night. Mr. Sales couldn’t keep his hands off me. He constantly kissed and made out with me in front of everyone, and even some steamy foreplay took place in the bathroom. I was curious as to what triggered this behavior and I thought maybe he was trying to assert himself in a room full of men, some of whom quite obviously had an interest in me too. 

Later, he explained how wildly attracted to me he was that night because he saw me as powerful and in my element and we both agreed that spending the holiday together was a pivotal moment for us. I even posted on my Instagram a polaroid he and I took together and tagged him. 

Unfortunately, he never reposted the picture. This became a continuous thing where he wouldn’t share the moments when we were together. The funny part is that he made several comments that when we went out I only posted his hand or his leg and that I was  keeping him a mystery man. I took that as a hint that he wanted me to let the world know we were together. Only to never get it in return. When we discussed this topic, he admitted that he saw how it could look and feel like that. Especially when I noted that I support projects/brands of his both socially and financially. I noted he had never done the same for me, which was odd as he was always shouting out other people's work and accomplishments. This made me feel like a secret.

After months of dating and starting a new year in 2021, I started wondering where things were going. I had revealed to him that I stopped seeing other men right before the new year in an attempt to only focus on him. He never confirmed or denied if he would do the same, but alluded that he was “celibate”. 

My birthday quickly approached in January and I planned a trip to Los Angeles for a little work/play. The trip put pressure on me to get some clarity on what Mr. Sales and I were, as I had been sacrificing my regular & healthy sex life to practice abstinence with him until we were committed. I had several suitors during the trip, one of whom was a successful designer that wanted to show me a good time while on the west coast. I was consumed with guilt about wanting to entertain the thought. However, my mind was made up the very next day of my trip: my birthday. 

Mr. Sales went above and beyond to have a birthday gift hand delivered to me by a lingerie designer in LA. The designer walked me through tons of details and even tossed in some extra self care gifts. This was well received by me and my friends. Also during my trip, Mr. Sales was definitely “applying the pressure” - checking in on me regularly, wishing me well on my work project, and even sending me some risky nudes for the first time. I took all of these actions as signs that we were moving towards the next phase. The romantic gifts, sexting and all the effort made me wonder what direction our relationship was going in. 

I got back to New York and began to question if we were on the same page because his communication was off. I even expressed that for months I was constantly confused by his erratic behavior/actions in which he continuously self-proclaimed that he was a walking anomaly and that he acknowledged he could be difficult and confusing, but that I should work with him because he was actually truly invested. Mr. Sales confirmed that we in fact were dating and that he really saw himself getting closer with me and liking me more and more with each passing month. 

However, after our discussion upon my return from LA we kept having constant disagreements. He had a bad habit of disappearing for days on end, which he would explain were for mental health reasons. He shared many stories of him battling internal demons. I should have run for the hills then, but as an Aquarius I am a natural humanitarian and always try to help where I can. A new routine had formed: if we were in disagreement, I would tell him my feelings head on, and he would take ample time to respond. This quickly became an issue because it is quite triggering to express your feelings candidly and be told to pause and wait days for a response. Sitting in the void can be so dangerous to the mind because you are forced to fill in blanks for yourself. I respected his method of communication and would grant him the time he needed to collect his thoughts, a practice he didn't always make clear . There would be times where I had to just assume he was gathering himself because he would blatantly ignore me. 

The beginning of the end started when I surprised him and left him a Valentine’s Day card on his desk after spending an entire day together. It was about 2 weeks before the holiday and the card was an innocent gesture that simply asked, “Will you be my Valentine?” He never acknowledged the gift and ignored my messages to him until a day later. He then revealed that the Valentine’s day card had really shaken him up and we should discuss it  later. I told him that I was done dealing with his insensitivity and that him ignoring me was flat out rude and inexcusable. I explained how inconsiderate and unkind it was of him to constantly do that to me and even more how much it would hurt my feelings. He gave me a full speech on how he was on a spiritual journey of honoring himself. That he had been a “yes man” for many years and that he was practicing prioritizing saying no and only doing things his way and on his time. He also claimed that he didn’t recognize Valentines Day as a holiday nor believed in participating in it. We made up and committed to moving on and communicating better, instead of going ghost.

A few days after, I had a small gathering at my house to celebrate the launch of a new series I had filmed. I invited him and he committed to coming. He even followed up with me all day leading up to the launch, excitedly sending me photos that he would post on his social media in support of my project and sending me encouraging words. About 2 hours before I expected him, he reached out to cancel and said he would prefer to stay home and spend some time alone because he had a long week. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night nor the next day. He also never tuned into the program or said congratulations. 

He eventually called my phone with yet another long drawn out explanation of why he thought he was choosing himself. This time he tried to smooth things over again with claims of mental health troubles. He said he was battling himself the entire night because he knew he had let me down and that he was upset with himself and spiraled down a hole of anger because he knew he had hurt me by not showing up for me. He made a commitment after his long apology to practice being a better man, and said that he wanted to  be a “good man” for me and that he would focus on making it up. 

The next day was Valentine’s Day. It was already clear he would not be participating, so instead I spent it with my friends. After a long weekend of celebrating my launch and him ignoring me, he called me the evening of Valentine's day and I happened to be sleeping.The next day I was still wrapped up with my friends and the day slipped away before I realized I hadn’t heard from him at all that day. I reached out to see how his week was going and I got a short response and was ghosted again after trying to strike up casual convo. His behavior was off yet again.

What happened next was the wildest part! This man finally called me, but with the most bogus scenario he could come up with to excuse why yet again he had ignored me. He asked me if I had put “work” on him, a.k.a did some sort of spiritual spell to harm him because for the last few weeks whenever he and I were at odds he would get sick. I laughed out loud literally because at this point he had reached a new level of ridiculousness. He said he felt the universe was giving him signs that something was wrong here and that we needed to get to the bottom of it. I made it clear that I had had enough and would be “ripping” the band-aid off of this long drawn out situation.

It was also frustrating that I tried ending the situation weeks prior when I arrived back from my trip and he made it clear that we were growing and getting closer. It was clear that the situationship was no longer making sense and it was all because of him. He constantly caused confusion and chaos and then would dance around the truth by finding outlandish explanations to justify his actions. He would even try to boomerang the disagreements and say he wished I would have made more phone calls if I was being ignored, while still acknowledging and admitting to seeing my messages and ignoring them.

Again, he gave his speech about choosing himself. I made it clear that in doing so he was being selfish and unfair to me. He was apologetic and understanding. One thing about him is that he knew how to apologize, that’s for sure. However, when the apologies became a weekly thing it became tiring. He confessed that he had a history of being an “asshole” on purpose in a machismo way of proving to himself that he was a man in control. He also further explained that he felt no remorse when he chose himself even if it hurt others / hurt me. 

I got the sense during our last call that he was actually relieved to hear that I was at my wits end with our relationship and that I was firm about wanting to end things. It then dawned on me that for the last few weeks of being at odds that this was what he wanted all along. Why couldn’t he just state he was losing interest? He even made statements that he didn't want to be the bad guy, or he couldn’t forgive himself when he felt like he hurt me.  It was all bullshit because there was never a change to his behavior.

In reading this story, I hope you see the signs of men that sell false love advertisements.  Men who have a well oiled machine of lies they feed themselves and others to excuse their bad boy behavior. Mr. Sales clearly gaslighted me for months. It’s funny because he’s not the first “fuck boy” I've encountered with this kind of attitude towards dating and ironically all these men are “serial daters” just like Mr. Sales. I wish that men like him take a moment to acknowledge that justifying their harmful ways is just as harmful for them as it is for the people they encounter. These men are convinced they enrich all the lives they touch and don’t realize that they in fact are the weeds killing the gardens they plant themselves in. 

To all my fellow daters out there, don’t let a situation like this discourage you from getting back out there. I know it may feel like wasted time and another lost connection but believe you me getting out of a situation like this is actually a gift to yourself as people like this don’t deserve your love.

Have a question/topic you want Maria to tackle? Send away!!