Dear Maria: Just a Friend?

QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

Hey! I messaged you on twitter and I kinda feel stuck where I’m at right now. So, there was this girl I’d been talking to every single day (I now know I probably shouldn’t have) for about 2 months.

Basically, after talking, we hung out a couple times. The last time we hung out things started to get intimate, but she asked to stop before anything escalated too much. She texted me later that night, we talked, and she said our bodies didn’t flow well together – we didn’t vibe sexually. She thinks it’s better if we’re just friends (which I would have totally been cool with) . She did say she wants to keep talking and hanging out. This was over 2 months ago and since then we’ve texted, but the energy is very different.

She’ll text me, I’ll respond, and she will just be very dry or even just leave me on read for a couple days then text me again. It’s a cycle. Like, why did she ever text me first then, you know? It’s just been hard ‘cause I know I can’t expect things to be like they were before, but I do really miss it and I feel like we could’ve been really good friends. It’s been over 2 months and it still sucks. I just miss talking to her even before things got more serious and I feel stuck, you know?

Xoxo,

Josh Hermann

ANSWER:

Hi Josh,

Thank you for writing in! I hope your February is going great. I want to first tell you it’s very brave to be this open and honest about your feelings so give yourself a pat on the back for being able to express that.

I wish I had a bit more back story on this. For example, prior to you both hanging out in person, how often did you discuss the idea of being intimate? Were both of you trying to potentially date? Was this something you both were aiming towards or did it just happen one day? Prior to the day that things escalated, had you been romantic before (kissing, etc.)?

To dive deeper, I commend you for respecting her decision to stop and to continue as friends. However, in my experience, lots of times an easy way to get out of an uncomfortable situation is to “sugar coat.” It feels better to lessen the blow sometimes. Her saying, “let’s just stay friends” actually may have just been a kind way for her to say she’s not interested in you as a potential partner or lover.

This leads me back to my initial question on how you both started even talking? If you both were equally only chatting as friends then I can understand why you miss your initial friendship, and want to prolong that bond you had. However, if you both went into this with the intentions of this blossoming into something romantic/sexual, then you probably don’t have a solid enough friendship for her to feel comfortable chatting normally. Things can be awkward for her if she feels like she rejected you, and again may just be being kind by humoring conversation with you.

To focus on you, it sounds like your needs are not being met even on the basic friendship level. If you care this much about this friendship you had for a few months then I encourage you to communicate that. Speak up! Be transparent and tell her you appreciate her friendship, and that her communication as of late has been off and you want to have more fulfilling conversations with her as a friend. You may need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she actually may not view you in the same level of “friend” as you view her.

Lastly, any relationship whether romantic or platonic should be mutually rewarding. If you feel strongly you aren’t getting anything positive out of it then my advice is to move on. I’m sure you can make many other meaningful connections elsewhere, and if all else fails, you got a friend here with Dear Maria ;)

Be open. Be honest. Good luck, baby!

- Maria
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