Dear Maria: Help, it Hurts!

QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

Hello Ma’am! I would like your help with something me and my partner have been facing. So, we have been intimate for a few years, but never had sex. We do oral and lots of foreplay, but the first time we tried having penetration she was in a lot of pain and we had to stop. She was literally shouting. I don’t know what to do! Can it be just the first time or is it something else? We tried to use lube as well, but she was still in pain so I had to stop. It’ll be lovely to get your views and help on this.

Thank you!

Xoxo,

- Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi there,

Thank you for writing in!

I want to commend you for being so understanding and respectful of you and your partner’s sex troubles. I hate to generalize, but in my experience, most men are easily frustrated when it comes to issues during intercourse. It sounds like you both have found healthy alternatives to still having sex outside of penetration. I want to be hypothetical in asking if your partner physically cannot withstand penetration from your penis ever, would that be a deal breaker? You seem to both be interested and happily practicing. I want to be sure that there is an end point where you are both pleased with the sex that you already have in the event there is no resolution. 

While you have not specified whether you are practicing vaginal or anal sex, with some quick google research I see the top 3 causes of pain during intercourse for women outside of dryness are vulvar pain, vaginitis, and dyspareunia. If you are practicing anal sex then the top 3 causes are not enough lubrication, irritation of existing hemorrhoids, or the muscles aren’t relaxed yet and the process should slow down. Anal shouldn’t hurt if done right, so again, some quick Googling can go a long way. See links below for more info:

  https://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/guide/female-pain-during-sex 

  https://www.healthline.com/health/does-anal-hurt 

Finally, continue to be open and honest with each other, and ensure that there is a conversation around you both acknowledging a need for your current sex to change. I know many couples who prefer to only practice oral and foreplay as opposed to any form of penetration. If you both are dedicated to the thought of improving the experience of penetration then keep practicing and researching. There are many helpful products on the market like numbing creams and sprays that can be a quick fix. Just be safe and mindful of your partner at all times. 

Good Luck! Let me know if this helped! 

- Maria
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