Dear Maria: DL Dunce

QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

So, I’ve been dating men since I was 15 and THOUGHT I had learned every lesson imaginable when it comes to being involved with DL men: “Don’t do it!”

Regardless, I found myself single and mingling and the business-minded person I am, I figured — keep a friend with benefits (or two, or three) around while you navigate the ever so complicated dating field. No sense in being single AND sex deprived! Now, my serious dating pool doesn’t include DL men because “been there, done that!” BUT in my experience, DL men happen to be some of the best friends with benefits.

A few months into my newfound FWB situation, he expressed that he liked me and AFTER 5 years, tasks like moving/assembling furniture, helping me move, attending my events, etc. became commonplace. We spent time together outside of just having sex and would have deep and thorough conversations about our personal lives. I kept him in my FWB category because I knew he was DL and he had mentioned that he didn’t want a boyfriend, but it’s kinda hard not to catch feelings after 5 years so I ended it.

To my surprise, I found out he was in a relationship about a year later. Obviously I wanted to know if he was dating a female or male, and when the question was posed I didn’t get an answer. Obviously that means it’s a guy!

So was I just a slide? What’s the lesson to be learned here?

-DL Dunce

ANSWER:

Wheeeeewwwww, Chile!!!!

Now this is one I can sink my claws into. I want to start by saying you are far from a dunce, hunny! It actually sounds like you “played the game” very well if you had homeboy at your crib building shit and moving couches without any commitment other than both of y’all gettin ya’ gots! That’s a win baby. Hell, I can hardly get the trade to leave the seat down in the bathroom sometimes. 

I also think it was a smart move to keep him exactly where he expressed he wanted to be. He made it clear from the beginning he didn’t want a boyfriend and you kept that same energy. The best part of this is: no matter if the last 5 years was him lying or just figuring himself out...that’s honestly his business and you protected yourself but upholding the boundaries. 

I understand how shit can get confusing when he’s showing up and supporting your events and spending QT but that’s supposed to be the KEY element of a FWB because they are supposed to be exactly that...a friend! 

I’m also giving you your 10’s for retaining the power in this situation by ending once you knew you couldn’t handle 5+ years of hanging out & sex. Sounds like you’re self aware. 

Lastly, because I totally agree with you…maybe it’s just my motherly intuition, but do I think he’s with some man now. And you know what? Good for him! He figured himself out hopefully, and maybe you even helped him do that. So, the lesson to be learned here is that you are actually navigating this dating world a bit better than you think. If you just change the perspective on the situation you can really start to see it for all the things it really could be. 

My question for someone as headstrong and secure as you is: why would you want a grown ass man who just started accepting himself, when you are light years beyond that? You dodged a bullet. Keep your head up and be proud of you handling this like a boss! 

Get back out there! You got this ;) 

-Maria 

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