Dear Maria: Still in Love or Caught in Complacency?

QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

So, I’m currently in a relationship with a gentleman I’ve known for years, but we only started kicking it about a year ago. It started off rocky and I was head over hills for him but, of course he came with MAJOR baggage, including his ex which we have overcome. Now, we are living together and I feel like I’m stuck in something that I’m not sure I want to be in. I’m a hopeless romantic so I was longing for a relationship but, I never knew It would bring me to a place where I’m questioning if I’m settling because I’m scared of being alone, or do I just like the idea of being in a relationship? I feel like I’m the successful one in this and he just goes with the flow. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s just that I want a partner that is just as challenging and passionate about the things I want in life.

Am I wrong for wanting to kind of start over and “date” a little bit more before I wake up 5 years from now, resenting this? Or do I just ride it out?

Xoxo,
Ya Sista <3

- Charlotte York

ANSWER:

C'mon Charlotte!!!

Thank you so much for writing in. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. WOW – this situation sounds loaded, but I totally understand where you are coming from.

There seems to be a lot of backstory here and I could really use some clarity. You say you've known him for years, however, you've only been dating for a year, and within that year of dating how long have you all been living together? Also, why would you jump into living with someone who – within one year – started off with ex baggage? I think some time to really date him before living together would have served you. Living with someone can be a huge change in your dynamic with that person as well as your perspective on who they are.

It seems like he is now truly revealing who he is and you may not be interested in that person. I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with complacency if the person is happy and able to support themselves. However, you made it clear that you would prefer a partner who is more driven. This should be a very easy conversation if you love him enough to be living together already. You should be able to say, "hey babe, I want to push you to continue to grow and challenge yourself. It makes me happy when I see you growing and succeeding." Then you can show up for him as a partner by asking, "how can I help inspire you? What are your 5–10 year goals? How can we help you get there? What do you need from me as a support system?"

By simply communicating this, you may find out a lot more that hopefully leaves you feeling better about who he is. In the event he tells you in some odd way that he has no goals or plans, nor desire to progress, then that's where you make a decision about whether or not this is a person who you can spend the rest of your life with.

Lastly, and most importantly, you are already in a mindset of starting over and dating other people again? That's concerning when in a relationship that is still fairly new. If you already feel like this now then my fear is if you don't see the results you want and in the time you want, you kind of already have one foot out the door. Give him a chance to show you and prove if he's worth it, then decide. In my opinion, I wouldn't jump ship without truly giving it a shot, however, if you feel you have given it all you got, then run for the hills. Don't waste anymore time if deep down you know he is not the one. This is the conversation you need to have with yourself.

Good Luck baby!!!

-Maria

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