Dear Maria: Case of the Ex (Friend)

QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

How do I explain to a toxic ex-friend that his ways are horrible and that he isn’t a good friend to a mutual friend we have?

I'm talking very toxic traits like belittling and being petty with small issues. They always want to be the center of attention. Now, I cut ties with this friend years ago once they started revealing their true colors.

How do I get our mutual friend to realize what’s going on and to stop giving them the respect that they don't deserve?

Yours Truly,
Not Obligated

ANSWER:

Oooouuuu Hunny! 

The drama of it all!! I want to start off by using the phrase, “an ex is an ex for a reason,” and that carries weight in friendships just as much as it does with romantic partners. I want to clarify that you asked two questions. You want to let the ex-friend know that he’s horrible to your mutual friend and quite honestly, I don’t think that’s your place or decision to make. You must acknowledge that your current friend is still seeing purpose and being fulfilled by their friendship in one way or another; otherwise they wouldn’t be friends either. If, in your opinion, the ex-friend is not being respectful to your mutual friend, continue to express it, but baby - you got to let adults be adults! She can speak up on her own.

Next, it’s not your job to go on a hate campaign about this ex-friend. Express to your friend your viewpoint on their friendship and pinpoint exact scenarios and factual receipts of how this person doesn’t have their best interest at heart. However, after you do that (if you haven’t already) you have to be ok with the possibility that your friend may still choose to continue their friendship, and that’s their business. Pressuring your friend to not be friends with the ex-friend is actually quite toxic itself. I’m certain you don’t want to be the mixy one.

It also lowkey sounds like you may still need to heal from that old friendship and you gotta let some of it go. Don’t let this turn into a vendetta. I don’t want you giving that ex-friend too much of your energy. I do honor and respect you wanting to shed light to your current friend though, and I hope your friend can see you’re coming from a good place with this. Keep the intentions positive and don’t get into no messy shit!

If your current friend is too blind to see, then you gotta accept them as is!

Now go set it off, but keep it cute!

-Maria 

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