QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

So I’ve got an interesting situation for you. I’ve been dealing with this guy for a couple of years now; on again and off again. Now I’ve grown true feelings for him, however, he has told me that he is in love with someone else which I don’t buy at all! You see, Maria, he enjoys an open relationship, which I was aware of. The sex is phenomenal and we like to share the bedroom as well, sometimes with friends we know.

Now I want something more deep and I want to fight for him. I don’t really care that he loves someone else because I know I’m the best choice. I get him. I enjoy what he wants. I’m here for it. I know – I must sound insane, however, the relationship excites me and I love this man with all his flaws. Unconditionally.

The question is: am I crazy in love? Do I continue trying to win the man I love or just give up and date online?

Waving the white flag.

Sincerely,

Not Another Love Story

ANSWER:

“ UH OH, UH OH, UH OH, OH, NO, NO! “

Chileeeeeeeee, one thing I will say is: you sure are honest, and it’s great for you to be able to admit that out loud. However, no shade – you got Beyoncé beat with how crazy you look!

Let’s start with this man telling you upfront that he is in love with someone else. When a man admits that he is in love with someone to your face, HE MEANS IT! Believe him. I'm curious as to why you would even question that. My only assumption is because of the years you feel you have invested with him. You can love him from a distance, and that's fine because loving someone doesn’t mean you are meant to be together.

I respect you for wanting to go for what you want in the name of Alicia Keys, but to answer your question, in my opinion – yes, you really are crazy in love. I say this because who is right for him and who his perfect match is, is not YOUR decision to make, but HIS and he has made that choice and expressed it to you. It sounds like you’re infatuated with the amazing sex life you have because you haven’t expressed any other positives about him, and furthermore, what else do you do for him to make you the best choice? I’m actually even more curious to know if maybe he was only this sexually adventurous with you and not in his ideal relationships. You also referenced your situation as “dealing with, on and off” and not that you both dated long term at any point. I’m worried whether or not you may be misinterpreting a friends with benefits situation. 

My advice, darling, is to find a healthy way to cope with separating from him. You clearly still have strong feelings invested and I don’t think it’s wise to remain friendly. It is not in your best interest to keep in communication with him until you can find a space where you no longer feel that you need to be with him above anything else. 

Take the time out to build yourself up and find a new and exciting connection. Trust me, there are plenty of men who I’m sure you can find who will match you sexually and will want you as their #1 choice. Never settle for being plan B. How could you be satisfied knowing you were not the first option?

Wave that white flag high, baby, because you just might signal your knight in shining armor. 

- Maria
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