QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

I'm a 30 something year old man living in Brooklyn and I have a problem. On the sexual preference scale, lately I'd fall into the verse bottom category. I've discovered that being verse is truly what I enjoy, but I could never see myself dating a strict top or strict bottom.

Why does it seem like two "tops" can have a happy sex life, but two "bottoms" or "verse bottoms" are completely incompatible?

Generally, I attract more bottoms than tops. But it seems once they find out I'm a verse bottom, they are no longer interested. Please help.

Sincerely,

Spooky Dick — Happy Halloween!

ANSWER:

Hello Spooky,

I love seeing people in the Holiday spirit lol great name! This is a very popular discussion within our community for many reasons. I want to start off by saying how dope it is that you are standing firm in your very own “sexual role” and that you yourself are open minded.

I believe that this is strongly influenced by the culture of “Bottom Shaming” that is very common in gay communities of color. Our community as black/brown people has been plagued for decades with strict cis-het norms of what masculinity is and how it defines a man. This has placed a scarlet letter on those men who identify their sexual role as “Bottoms/Verse Bottoms” because it is considered the submissive role during sex. Any role that is not considered alpha is sadly looked down upon by many men of color and that’s just the tea!

My advice to you and anyone who is experiencing difficulty with sexual compatibility is to expand your views and continue to explore. I’m a firm believer in any two consenting adults can have fun ;) I def enjoy “bumping pocket books” every now and then. I think communication and an open mind is key. Introduce some toys and role playing into the mix and it can really change the way two opposites learn how they can enjoy sex!

Also it can very much be your dating pool! Maybe it’s time to get out of Brooklyn and see what’s happening Downtown, or take the G up to Queens if things aren’t working in your neighborhood. I have no shame about tipping into another borough for a Happy Ending!

Lastly, this is truly situational based on mindset! If you surround yourself with people who seem as open as you, you will find that this stigma isn’t as real as it feels sometimes.

Hope that helps, and I hope you find a beautiful bottom who shows you that your verse/bottom dick matters too!

Happy Halloween!

-Maria

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