QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

Love your podcast!

I wanted your input on something I’ve been dealing with. I am in a serious relationship. We have a child and have been together for some time. We’ve been through a lot and I have stepped out. I came clean to him and we have since recovered. However, for some reason I still cheat here and there. I’m not sure why, honestly.

If we get into big fights I think to myself, “oh I’m gonna hit this guy up.” Maybe it’s a power issue? Maybe I want to see if I still got it ? Or I’m being petty? I’m not sure. What do you think?

-Stella Monroe

ANSWER:

Stellaaaaaa!!!!!

Baby girl!!! Let momma hold you. Thank you so much for writing in. It’s very brave and mature to seek advice on this situation. I honor you for being open and honest so I will answer you the same way. 

In my opinion the problem here, unfortunately, is respect. You don’t have respect for the man in your life or your relationship for that matter. That may be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. Now, I can admit that there are tons of reasons that are justifiable for losing respect for someone, however, you have to have enough respect for yourself to walk away or, for your relationship, make it work while still remaining faithful. 

I must say that I agree with you that there is a power issue here. You stepped out on your relationship and this man had enough faith to stay and work it out. This puts you at a “disadvantage” because you are guilting yourself as the one who did wrong and he probably reminds you of that; which sucks. You have to accept that you OWN that infidelity but he needs to know that he can’t hang that over your head.

All couples fight ... fact! The answer is not to run to cheating. You really need to address what about the cheating is fulfilling you, because you are getting something out of it even if it’s just validation and if that’s it, why aren’t you getting that from your man? 

My advice is stop the petty BS and truly have the discussion about forgiveness or just leave. A child shouldn’t keep you prisoner somewhere you aren’t being fulfilled. I would like to hear more. Please write back in and let me know what happens. I’m rooting for you and your family. You gotta do the right thing! You got this baby ;) We all make mistakes. Good Luck! 

-Maria 

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