QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

Why is it that I always run into men who are a few years older and, in the first few weeks, always present themselves as a gentlemen and stable? But the moment I refuse to send them money or do stuff, they ask why I don’t agree to it, and “boom!” I'm back at square one. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I am tired of helping others and then getting played. Why do people who do good things for others always result in feeling ugly or not worthy at the end?

- Iesha C (Eye-E-Sha)

ANSWER:

Seems like there’s a lot to unpack here, Iesha. Also, thanks for sounding out the name. That really gave me a good laugh! Hope you’re having a wonderful holiday season. 

You state that you are always running into older men who present themselves as gentlemen. I’m going to assume that this is the type of man you are attracted to, otherwise you wouldn’t be entertaining them. Like most people, we have all been guilty of putting on our best display during the first few weeks of dating. We have to just accept that as time goes on and these potential partners reveal themselves to us, that our opinions/attraction to them may change. 

Where I’m confused is why you feel that being kind or helpful results in you getting “played” or makes you feel unattractive? No shade, but you also really threw me when you said you’re giving these older men money or doing them favors while only knowing them a few weeks. I really hope I misinterpreted that because if not then, hunny! I hate to tell you, but you got a bigger problem on your hands and that’s self esteem. 

Don’t change who you are inside. Being kind and helpful to others will always come back to you, love. Unfortunately, there are people out there who will take advantage of that, but don’t let those few bad apples spoil the bunch. It may be time to look inward and see what about yourself is attracting these types of men. Change your dating pool. Maybe you can try even being flexible on who your type/preferences are. Switch ya’ game up! ;) 

Dating is hard, darling…for EVERYONE. The point here is to not give up. Keep trying, but you must remember that the definition of insanity is extreme foolishness or irrationality. Don’t be anyone’s fool. Take precautions and trust all the signs as they appear. I hope this helps and  I’m hoping Santa puts a good man under the tree for you!

-Maria 

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