QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

Is it appropriate to keep pictures/videos of sexual partners from your past that you occasionally masturbate to, if you are in a serious relationship with someone you claim you're "in love with?"

I've been with this guy for about 3 years now and recently we both exchanged passwords to our cellular devices. He always goes out of his way to check on who I'm texting and likes to snoop through my phone every now and then. In the beginning of our relationship he came across some photos of guys from my past (non-sexual) in my phone and made a huge scene about it so I deleted them.

Recently, I found several pictures and videos that he keeps in the "my eyes only" tab on his Snapchat, all sexual. I didn't want him to know that I knew so I asked him to show me what he keeps in there. He refused and said it would make me mad. (I'm thinking why the fuck would you keep them if you know it will make me mad?) The next day he deleted the app off his phone...suspicious. Finally, I confronted him and he said he occasionally beats his dick to those pictures and that he wasn't ready to let it go. Then he offered to delete the entire account without even offering an explanation as to why.

What should I do? am I overreacting?

- Ju Ju

ANSWER:

Wheeeeeewfff!

Thanks for writing in, Ju Ju. Let me start off by saying that you don’t stand alone. I myself and many people I know have dealt/are dealing with this exact situation. The only outlier here that really is standing out to me as a red flag is that you are 3 years into the relationship and this is still happening. 

You stated that he has been going out of his way to check in on who you are writing and you are doing the same. What was the intention of exchanging passwords? Was it to build trust or because you both had lost trust in one another? Exchanging passwords should be seen as a gift of vulnerability, meaning this person trusts you enough that if you need access to their phone, which we know in today’s society is very personal, then this individual must really trust you. However, if you both are going to use this window of trust as an opportunity to snoop or catch each other in mess, then the intentions are not positive. Solange said it best: “Do nothing without intention!”

In my opinion, you both need to reset boundaries on access to each other’s phones because this has clearly created a weird dynamic for the trust in your relationship. Next, you should address that him having any videos or pics of people from his past makes you uncomfortable. Then, you let him decide what he’s going to do, and you can only hope that he chooses to respect you and your comfort. If he doesn’t, leave! 

It’s not uncommon for people to save past videos and pics to use as a “spank bank,” but the moment your partner expresses discomfort you should abide by that if that person really means something to you. The same way you did for him, as you stated. 

Bring up the conversation ASAP; don’t carry this mess into 2020! Plus, this sounds like something that can easily be worked out with an honest discussion. Make it happen!

-Maria 

—————

Have a question/topic you want Maria to tackle? Send away!!