QUESTION:

Dear Maria,

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about three months now. He has told me snippets of his salacious past and for the most part I have accepted him for who he is. I know we cannot change the past and all we can do is move forward and I try to be less judgmental as possible. While he was asleep one morning, I went through his phone and searched through his hidden images and videos. I know this is completely wrong on my part and I wish I could unsee everything that I did.

Those videos were the most vile, degrading, disgusting, and sad explicit videos I have ever seen in my whole life. I’m not sure why someone like him would even keep such a thing as he has mentioned a sexual abusive past as well. I doubt he’s into sexual activity like men using him in the videos I’ve seen, so I’m not worried I can’t live up to that or that it’s something he’s looking for me to do to him. I just don’t know how to unsee what I’ve already seen and how to move forward and love him.

- Christian Lanes

ANSWER:

Hey Christian!!

Thanks for writing in!!! Kudos to you for taking accountability in the fact the searching his private hidden folder was wrong. However, the obvious truth here is that those images were not for you and quite possibly not for anyone to see but him, thus why they are private and hidden. The reality here is that he has engaged in those acts before and in my opinion no matter how degrading they may be he has some sort of connection or enticement with those experiences otherwise he wouldn’t have kept them. 

What you need to accept is that you in fact are judging him. Unfortunately, you cannot unsee what you saw, but what you can do is change your reaction to it. My advice to you is to confess. Confess that you were wrong and invaded his privacy, but keep it real and tell him how seeing that explicit content made you feel. Express that you have a sense of judgement now and that if he feels comfortable with divulging further that you would like to know more about why he kept those images, etc. Remember that he has every right to refuse, be  upset, and maybe even call it quits. However, 3 months in is early enough to make the mistakes, address them, and move on quickly! 

This should open a door to a whole new level of transparency between the two of you and it may even elevate your relationship if he respects your honesty. You must keep an open mind and try your best to not let his past brand him. Lastly, don’t go searching for the info you know you don’t want, damnit!!!

Boy, you know better. Now do better! Make it right ;) 

-Maria 

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